I
wrote this in a half hour for Maia's pre-school newsletter (and since I
didn't find time to blog this week I am posting this. If you aren't a
parent, don't bother reading it...it's a bit corny, I think) :
Handling Tantrums
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If
there is one thing I hate dealing with it’s when Maia goes into temper
tantrum mode. I have to be so adult and collected when really I want to
scream right back at her for being so “irrationally angry” about that
candy-bar I’m not giving her, or the dress she’s not allowed to wear
because it’s 8 degrees outside.
Of course, I know the
steps I should be taking when my little one goes into this
inaccessibility mode, however, it’s another story to apply these steps.
In the past (before having my second child last year), I’ve been
obsessive about researching parenting issues but sometimes I need a
reminder. Lately I’ve been so exhausted from work, school, and two small
children, I’ve resorted to watching Super Nanny or Nanny 911 on TV
instead of picking up a book. But, hey, if they can tame those little
monsters on the show within a week then they must be doing something
right. If this isn’t all staged, that is. ;)
Anyway,
I’m a perfect example of today’s modern (somewhat educated) parent. I
mix and match all kinds of advice and the other day I actually applied a
word of wisdom I heard from that English super nanny on TV.
The
show featured one family, which included a mother just as stubborn as
her little daughter. Instead of dealing with the strong-minded child’s
emotions, the mother let her own high-strung feelings get in the way and
would just lock the screaming kid in a room for a time-out. Granted,
the child threw a cup of water at her mother to get this punishment, it
still wasn’t the right approach to deal with the situation effectively.
Somehow I identified. Maia can truly get me to a point at which I feel
utterly powerless, my nerves almost at the edge. If it were the olden
days I’d be spanking her all day long (just kidding, she’s not that
bad…especially as she’s getting older). However, I am really glad that I
am an educated parent, for it reminds me of the fact that I am dealing
with a small child and not an adult. She lives in a different world.
So,
when Maia began falling into a tantrum stage the other day, and I was
about to sit her down on her time-out chair to cool off, I did one thing
differently (Super Nanny in the back of my mind;). Instead of leaving
her to scream it out for a few minutes, I gave her two options. I said:
“Maia, you can stay here in time-out to scream and cry or you can calm
down and talk to me. What do you want to do?” She took a deep breath,
controlled her outburst and told me straight-up: “Talk to me, please.”
I
couldn’t believe she actually told me what I was supposed to read
between the lines. I felt so guilty for almost ignoring her emotions and
just having her scream it out. They want us to talk to them. To hug
them. To listen to them. At least, Maia does.
And that’s what I
did. I listened to her and I gave her alternatives to the things she
could not have. I said: “Honey, you cannot come with me right now but
you could play a computer game for a little bit, have some gum, and when
I come back we’ll go to the park. Ok?” This schedule update seemed to
work. She knew what was coming and it helped her cope with the fact that
she could not come with me at that moment.
Then I gave her a big
hug and a kiss and I could feel her appreciation for this affectionate
behavior even though we had just been bumping heads. She knows I love
her even when I’m angry and I make sure to tell her all the time.
